Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

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4. Your insurance card doubles as a convenient windshield scraper in winter and gentle cooling fan in the summer.

Bonus 4. Thanks to President Biden and Democrats in Congress, premiums have never been lower. Next year I’ll save $2,000 versus this year, which means I can buy the dozen squirrels on my porch roof an extra 140,000 almonds.  

3. I can’t tell you what #3 is. You’ll just have to trust me.

2. Because enrolling means you’re, like, a responsible adult and stuff.

And the #1 reason, courtesy of Daily Kos’s brainwrap (aka Charles Gaba) at ACASignups.net, who keeps track of the numbers like no one else:

StarWarsACASignups.jpg

Again: 8 days for coverage starting January 1.

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Note: Your annual reminder that poinsettias are part of the deep state. Watch what you say around them, especially the one in the corner with the note pad.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

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8 days!!!

Days ’til winter: 14

Days ’til the Christmas Boat Parade in Newport Beach, California: 8

The last year that Republicans in the U.S. Senate represented a majority of the American public: 1996

Age of Edward Shames, the last surviving World War II officer from “Easy Company,” the inspiration for the miniseries and book “Band of Brothers,” when he died over the weekend: 99

Price of a Bitcoin on November 9 and last Sunday: $69,000 / $48,000

Number of presidents who never ran for president (Tyler, Fillmore, A. Johnson, Arthur): 4
Percent chance that Princess Leia was on a mercy mission, according to a statement from The Empire: 0%

Puppy Pic of the Day: Players from the FC Zenit (Russia) soccer club carry dogs from local shelters who are looking for a home onto the field…

CHEERS to giving the people what they want. I spent 14 years in the direct-response marketing (i.e. late-night infomercial) arena, and there’s one ironclad fact that will never change: the masses don’t like to prevent bad things from happening to their health. No, they prefer to wait until something bad happens to their health and then rely on a magic pill to cure them. Yes, an ounce of prevention may be worth a pound of cure, but to telemarketers a pound of cure is worth a thousand times more “ch’ching!”  And covid pills—legitimate ones, not the snake oil being peddled by the MAGA grifters—are on their way to placate the people who want to pop ’em.  Via The New York Times’ morning email by David Leonhardt comes word that…

…they matter more than many people realize. […] In the simplest terms, they can help turn Covid into a more ordinary respiratory disease, similar to the common cold or flu, rather than one that’s killing about 1,000 Americans a day and dominating daily life for millions.

Merck Covid pill
Sweet, sweet miracle pills.

Two treatments are on the way—one from Pfizer and one from Merck—and they will have both medical and psychological benefits. Not only can they reduce serious Covid illness, but they can also reduce Covid fears and help society move back to normalcy, lessening the pandemic’s huge social and economic side effects.

Both Pfizer’s and Merck’s treatments are pill regimens that people take for five days after a positive Covid test. The pills prevent the virus from replicating inside the body and are broadly similar to treatments that revolutionized H.I.V. care in the 1990s.

There will, of course, still be some resistance among the conservatives. So the formulators are working on a chewable form in three flavors designed just for them: pork rind, freedom, and Trump’s burps.

CHEERS to America the Resilient.  Today marks the 80th anniversary of the “day that will live in infamy”—the surprise and surreal Japanese air attack on the U.S. base at Pearl Harbor that killed 2,403. As a nation, we snapped out of it in the blink of an eye and it was all downhill for Yamamoto and Tojo after that.  Needless to say, the number of veterans who were there on Dec. 7, 1941 is fast dwindling. But at least 51 nonagenarians and 12 centenarians will be making the trek:

Navy veteran, Lieutenant Commander Cass Phillips, is a Pearl Harbor survivor. “I was 21 at that time,” he said. “I spent quite a bit of time out there.” He’s 101 years old. A lot has happened in a century, but he’s never seen anything like Dec. 7, 1941. Phillips is ready to go back to Pearl Harbor.

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The U.S.S. Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor. 80 years later, oil still leaks from the vessel.

To the veterans, that day 80 years ago changed each of their lives.

John Pildner was drafted to the Army out of high school.  “From 1944 to 46. When I got out, I wasn’t old enough to vote,” Pildner said. “If I could do it again, I would.”

Phillips, Pildner and the rest of the survivors would appreciate it if we young’uns would kindly never forget that day or those who were there.  Happy to oblige.

CHEERS to the man who wanted to be #43, but thankfully wasn’t. Speaking of World War II veterans (and he had the scars to prove it), former play-by-the-rules Senate Majority Leader and 1996 GOP presidential contender (we’ll skip his Viagra stint, if you don’t mind) Bob Dole died over the weekend at 98. He once said, “If you’re hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate.  You’ll get the same kind of feeling and you won’t have to pay.”  But he topped that eight years back with a bit of candor that wasn’t exactly appreciated within his team’s ranks:

“Could people like Bob Dole, even Ronald Reagan—could you make it in today’s Republican Party?” host Chris Wallace asked Dole.

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With SNL doppelganger Norm MacDonald, who also died this year.

“I doubt it,” Dole said. “Reagan wouldn’t have made it. Certainly, Nixon couldn’t have made it, because he had ideas and…we might have made it, but I doubt it.”

The 1996 presidential nominee [said] his party should close up shop until it’s figured things out.

“I think they ought to put a sign on the national committee doors that says ‘closed for repairs’ until New Year’s Day next year and spend that time going over ideas and positive agendas.”

Given the current rabidity of his party (now more appropriately labeled a cult), and even though, to coin a phrase, he was no angel politically, the most affectionate and sincere accolades will come from Democrats. We can’t help it. Decency has a liberal bias.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

JEERS to those darn thieving whoevers. That’s a lot of fake money, I think maybe:

Hackers have taken $196 million from crypto trading platform Bitmart, a security firm said Saturday.

Bitmart confirmed the hack in an official statement Saturday night, calling it “a large-scale security breach” and writing that hackers withdrew about $150 million in assets. However, blockchain security and data analytics firm Peckshield estimates that the loss is closer to $200 million.

Responded 99 percent of people who heard the news: “Huh? What? Who?”

CHEERS to great inventions.  The microwave oven, invented by Dr. Percy LeBaron Spencer (from the great state of Maine), was patented on this date in 1945.  We were going to use this as an opportunity to give a lecture on proper microwave usage and safety, but here in C&J “Danger” is our middle name and it’s too much hassle and paperwork to change it so…

And in case you’re wondering: our last name is “Call 911.”

Ten years ago in C&J: December 7, 2011

JEERS to punchlines denied:

[An awesome Herman Cain “9-9-9” campaign joke would’ve gone here, but he got caught breaking the Seventh Commandment and now it’s just crickets, tumbleweeds and Cain campaign bus skid marks.]

Cain, officially out, vows to return as a right-wing shill with a new plan: “b b b”. Which, when turned upside down reads… Yeah, you guessed it. In the meantime, enjoy the silence.

And just one more…

JEERS to perilous playthings.  I probably should’ve mentioned this item a couple weeks ago before the entire country shopped for toys over the Thanksgiving holiday. The Public Interest Research Group is out with their latest list of the most dangerous toys, and the good news is that, on the whole, toys are safer. As usual, toys whose chemical levels are too big, noise levels are too loud, or whose parts are too small topped the list. (GoPoP! knockoffs get a special mention as a choking hazard.)  And in the internet age there’s another hazard parents should watch for: “connected toys” that hoover up your kids’ personal information in possible violation of privacy and consumer protection laws. Meanwhile, the Cheers and Jeers Public Safety Commission and Unlicensed Liquor Institute has a few additions that the PIRG missed:

The Li’l Warrior Happy 57E6 Surface to Air Missile: Could pose a choking hazard to children 5 and under; may also be detrimental to flowerbeds and recalcitrant nations who choose to give us attitude instead of extortion money.

Tickle Me Matt Gaetz Doll: May warp the minds of impressionable, underdeveloped adult brains. May also lead to sex trafficking lawsuits in federal court.

Fire fighters battling a blaze at oil pipeline refinery near Lubbock, Texas
And don’t get us started on the potential hazards of Exxon-Mobil’s Junior Happy Fun Oil Refinery Explosion Playset. (Evacuation loudspeakers sold separately.)

Playskool’s Big Box of Republican Covid Cures: Contains landfill dirt, syringes full of bleach, horse de-worming pills, UV light suppository, fish tank water, a “Jesus is my vaccine” button, and a coupon for 10 percent off your funeral expenses.  

Baby’s First Papa John’s Pizza Bake Set: Considered dangerous because the end product is Papa John’s pizza. [See also: Baby’s First Godfather’s Pizza Bake Set]

Mike Pence Gives A Speech Play Set: May cause children to die of boredom. Adults, too. And pets. And many in the immediate Pence family.

“Manchin 2024” baseball cap: Side effects include lower IQ, chronic gullibility, and delusions that Daddy’s coal job is coming back.

Ho Ho Ho!  You’ve been warned.

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

“I think there’s some cut-off point after which reading Cheers and Jeers stops being normal and becomes a problem. But I don’t think we’ve crossed the kiddie pool yet.”

Magnus Carlsen

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